Dreams

Maybe there is hope for me yet. I had a dream, it was a good dream. I remember there was a guy. I don't know what he looked like, but I think I liked him. I don't know who the guy was in my dream. But one person he was not is the one guy I hate dreaming about, so that makes me feel really good. I'm dreaming of someone else. It took many years to get to this point but at least I'm here. I had so many questions of who this person was when I woke up. I don't remember the specifics of his looks, but maybe one day I'll meet him, maybe he is my future, or maybe he is just a dream and always will be. It gives me a little spark of hope. One thing I'm glad of is that I have a new dream.

Crappy Dreams

So, does anyone hate their dreams? I hate when I have dreams of things I want and can never have. It's so disappointing to have a dream that makes me feel so happy. It sucks so much to wake up and have that happiness realized as never being real. That feeling gets replaced with an emptiness. Thank goodness after a few days that feeling goes away. Then I feel great and I'm doing fine until I have another dream reminding me of how happy I was. I don't understand why when I'm doing so great I have to dream about that missing piece. Why can't it just leave me alone and let me be so I can just not miss it? It's so annoying. Well at least this feeling doesn't last forever! I just hate that it can sneak up on me like that. I wish I never had to feel it again.

would your past you recognize your present you?

Do you ever look back on your life and think "Wow if I met myself today I wouldn't have any idea it was me!". Pretty crazy. I can actually identify the choices I have made that changed the person I was to the person I am today. I am not proud of all my choices, there are quite a few that I wish I could go back and change, but there are a few that I am glad that I made. Thinking about the choices I have ahead of me I wonder where they are going to lead me. What about them are going to change the person I am today into the person I will be in the future. Will I look back at myself in the next seven years and not recognize myself again? Or will I be more recognizable than I have been the previous seven years. There are things about myself that I miss, I know I can't go back to that person, life experience will not allow it, but I hope I can capture the essence of that person and get her back. I hope the person seven years from now will be someone the previous me can be proud of. I hope that I can look back and see the choices that lead me to becoming that person and say I made the best choice and have no regrets.

Changes

So many things have been changing in my life. It is a little overwhelming. How does the saying go? "Change is good". Really? I don't see how all change is good. I have been so stressed from getting used to all these changes. Work...what can I say. It sucks! I mean really sucks. I was so excited to become a teacher. Moving and changing my life I don't even know if it is really worth it. On top of coming into a situation that is really bad, no support, organization, structure, accountability for the students behaviors and actions, I have so many other things I have been asked to do. I think I might have gray hair by the end of the school year. Two of my classes make me want to quit. I just started and these students are horrible. I don't know what I am going to do at the end of the year. I can stay at the school I am at right now, go to another school in the district or leave all together. I know...I should be happy I even have a job, but is it enough to have a job even if I am miserable. I mean really miserable.

Change is good, right?? I guess I can say that it can't get much worse than this. I mean it could, but I don't think I could bare it if it did. Maybe all these changes are too much; too overwhelming. Maybe if I didn't move thousands of miles away from my family and friends I would be able to handle my work life. Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal. I guess I'll never know. What I do know is that when things change in life, it usually sucks and is not for the better; at least with my luck. I guess if my life where a movie now it would be like a "Dangerous Minds" or "Freedom Writers" movie except without all the metamorphosis of the classes or characters. The students would not change, the situation would not change. You are just trying to get through the situation with your sanity, standards, and hopefulness of having done something good and right.

if your life was a movie, what kind would it be?

If my life was a movie I think it would be some kind of comedy.  There would be a lot of sarcasm in this comedy, and definitely no romance.  It would be a strait up comedy.  The kind where the main character finds out, or maybe never finds out, that the jokes on her.  Life is a big joke.  Nothing ever seems to go the way she wants while everyone else around her gets everything they want.  She would be the “when it rains it pours” girl.  There is no happy ending.  There is no ending where she gets the guy, or the dream job.  She just gets more of the same stuff she’s been getting the whole time.

Well I want to change that movie.  I want to take control of the script and camera and create a new story.  I want to make it an adventure.  A movie where the heroine goes out to explore the world, while it still may not be a romance, she takes charge of her life and gets some things she wants.  The joke is no longer on her because she changes and the joke is on life.  The ending may not be a “happy” ending where she finds the guy and lives an amazing life, but she can live a more amazing life and not be as much of a sad character as the original movie. 

What is in a happy ending anyway?  Does the girl always have to end up with a guy for it to be “happy”?  Why can’t she just be content and enjoying life, friends, and family?  Why must happiness always be associated with having a husband and children?  In real life the girl rarely gets the guy of her dreams.  She never gets a second chance, or she doesn’t get the guy way out of her league.  She ends up alone for ever, or settling for a guy that comes second to her dream guy.  And then, she may find the guy and lose him forever wishing and hoping to get him back.  And yet she could marry him and then get divorced.  Or the dream guy could beat her and she never leaves.  This is real life….oh wait we aren’t talking about real life.  We are talking about a movie. 

So this movie has no romance, but it has a girl that doesn’t live life on the sidelines settling for staying in her comfort zone.  This girl looks for new things to do, new places to go, and new people to meet.  She wants to do something with her life, so she does it. 

I offer you this question, if your life was a movie what kind would it be and what kind would you make it?