The Movies Lie

The thing I hate most about movies is that the guy always makes a big gesture to win back the girl in the end. What is up with that? I hate that. First of all the movies, lately, have a man whore that goes around sleeping with any and every girl they see. Of coarse they have a sweet female friend that likes them. Once she is moving on and they man feels threatened they will lose her, what a surprise, they finally realize that they can't live without her. Of coarse they make some big romantic gesture and she accepts and they end up together. Now this scenario has so many things wrong with it. Why do they make all the guys such big sluts and the girls completely the opposite. Now personally, I would not not want to be with a guy that has slept with half the city of New York, its disgusting, and how is it that none of the women in the movie see that. Why can't the guy be someone that doesn't sleep around every night of the week? And why can't the girls be less angels? It's kind of like "Pillow talk". While I do like this movie it gets old.

Another huge flaw is that guys do not ever make a big romantic gesture in real life. This is the biggest flaw, because this has been a recurring theme since I can remember, and I'm sure longer than that. This is were girls get totally screwed. Women are tricked, from the time they are young girls, into believing that this kind of stuff happens all the time, that it is natural. How many girls imagine that when they actually find the love of their life that even if things go bad the man will realize the huge mistake he made and will make some kind of big romantic gesture to win you back. But this never happens. That is the movies, it is not real life. And yet because that is what we grow up watching we are brainwashed into believing that it really could happen, and keep that hope going. What a joke, like a guy is really going to admit that he made a huge mistake and try to get you back. This is the worst lie from movies, because it screws with our heads and hearts.

I wish the movies told more of the truth. The guy may have made a huge mistake, but he does not go back to the girl. The girl is changed forever and may not ever feel the same way about another guy as the first. The guy finds someone else and the girl finds someone else, but it is not the same and never will be. I like the ending of "Becoming Jane", because I feel like this is more likely to happen. The guy marries and has children, and the girl never settles for anything less than what she once felt for him, she never gets married. I find it super annoying that movies are still brainwashing girls to believe that men could actually behave in such romantic ways. I can't believe how easy it is to let crap like this make you believe it could happen in real life.

Is this going to be it?

I really want to learn how to sail. It would be so awesome to one day own a sail boat and actually be able to go out and sail. I think it would be really cool to just be able to go out in the ocean sailing. Fortunately, there are sailing lessons in the city. I think my sister and I am going to take lessons. At least, when there is more of a cash flow going on. I also want to take photography classes. I've always been interested in photography. It started in high school, but we did not have any classes for that. I would have to be able to buy a good camera, though, and those cost lots of mula. One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to get a camera and take a class. It would be pretty cool. But first I have to finish grad school and get a job. Hopefully that won't be too difficult.

It seems like there is so much I want to do. I feel like I need to keep doing new things to not get board. I want to learn so much and do so much. I don't want to be stuck. Sometimes it seems like getting my master's degree and becoming a teacher is not going to be enough. I want more, I want to do more, learn more. I want to be good at more than just teaching. I'm afraid that teaching will not be enough to keep me happy. I've been working hard towards becoming a teacher for such a long time. I'm afraid that when I'm done I'm going to be like "That's it, there is nothing else?" I'm going to only be doing this for the rest of my life? What about all my other interests and dreams? Do those just go away? Or someday will I wish I did something else? So many questions, so many worries, and I haven't even started yet.

Running into Someone You Knew

It is so weird running into someone you knew years ago that you have not seen in a long time. It seems like the worst is when someone you went to high school with appears in front of you, and you wish you had the power of invisibility. Would that be awesome! I mean, you would never have to see anyone you did want to ever again. You could simply disappear and not have to deal with being polite. I hate that, and that person is just as snobby and self absorbed as they were in high school. I find myself spacing out, making to do lists, wishing the agonizing situation would pass quickly. Then there is the awkward silence when that person stops talking and you have nothing to say back to them because you were thinking about what you were going to eat for dinner, or how much laundry you have to do. And of coarse you always have to end the conversation with, "We should get together sometime". As if that would ever happen. Even if I wanted to see you again, you don't want to see me again, and you don't have to fake it.

And sometimes it's a good surprise... The person is actually someone that you would want to talk to. And when you do, you converse it's more than you ever did when you saw them consistently. Those are definitely my favorite. When you see someone that you were not necessarily friends with before but you find that you really could be now. And who knows, maybe more...

At the same time

Why is it that when one thing in your life starts to go well other parts never do. I'm so happy, work is going pretty good, and I'm going to be starting graduate school, I finished up my semester which went well. So all that is going good, but I haven't been able to hang out with my friends as much as I want and it seems like every person I am interested in dating loses interest in me after a couple of weeks. What is up with that? I'm finaly starting to be interested in actually dating and maybe even having a relationship and what happens? Absolutely nothing. I was talking to this one guy, for a couple of weeks and things seemed to be going great, he seemed totally into me and I was in him, and then afte 2 weeks, he just went cold. And he didn't even say anything to me. I would have liked to know if he wasn't interested, at least I would keep wondering, I mean it's nice to know what is going on.

I think guys are super confusing. I'm not one of those girls that plays a ton of games, I'm pretty straight forward. It's difficult when you have to pretend not to like someone, and not seem too available, all along trying to show him that your interested. I don't know how I'm going to make it in the dating world. I don't think I'm going to have what it takes. I'm not even one of those clingy girls either. I don't call the guy every day and all that crap. I don't know. I've always been a tom boy, and I have a lot of guy friends. I've always been one of the guys, so it's hard for me to flirt and it on guys. It's so funny that guys say that girls are super confusing, and girls say that guys are super confusing. I just don't get how something can be going so well and all of the sudden just stop without a word. I mean say something, at least the girl isn't left waiting and wondering.

It's so weird how not everything in life can be on track at the same time. When I was in a really good relationship school wasn't going so well. Now that school and work is going well the relationship/dating part of my life is nonexistent. Why is that ? Can't everything be great at the same time? I don't even know if I want to be in a serious committed relationship, but I do want to date. Is that asking for too much?

Part of Me

Cold and so alone, wanting someone...
So many summers were spent waiting for him.
He snuck into my life so quietly and quickly.
Unknowingly my heart became attached.
My veiled love was only for him.
We only spent a couple of winters together.
Eternity would have left me yearning for more.
Spring fades into summer bringing in the storm.
My happiness was blind while he severed himself from me.
Still attached he takes part of me.
Cold and so alone once again, wanting...him.

Changes

It's weird how life changes. The route you think your life is going to go, never really goes that way. The person you think you are going to be, never really appears. Instead you are left going down this road; it's a strange road that you don't recognize, and you don't really know how you got there. The person that you are is sometimes a stranger, and you wonder where is that person I used to be? The innocent, naive person, that sometimes you still wish you were. I think back to the time when life was so much easier, when my path was clear with few choices, when I was naive wanting to learn more, and I wish that things could be that easy. Now I am so confused with which path to chose. What is going to happen if I decide to go one way or the other? What is going to happen if things don't work out? I am worried about the person I've become. Who is this person? Why do I do the things I do, wishing I didn't do them? Why do I say and think the things I do, wishing I didn't? Where is that me I used to be? Why did things have to change?

I think each day it gets easier to deal with all these changes. I think making the decision on which path to chose is becoming easier. I become more and more confident that I have made the right choices. I think that I am understanding this person inside me a little more each day. The things I don't like I have to change, I can no longer live with this person with out being able to see part of that me that I was before. I can find a way to be the old me and the new me, which i believe will be a better me. I have to find a way to make this possible. I cannot lose that young innocent person from the past, she cannot become a memory.

Plans

I remember, when I was young, I made a plan for my life. I thought I would finish college in 4 years, have a job and then get married by the time I was 25. Then if I decided to have kids I would start when I was 28-29 years old. As I grew older I wasn't sure if I even wanted kids, but I knew that if I didn't want to have my own I would probably adopt. I still had plans for everything else to go the way I planned.

It is so weird how things do not go as planned. It's funny how as a kid I thought sticking to this plan would be so easy, but life is never easy. If it were what kind of a life would that be? Anyway, I was so naive, but I guess that is part of being a kid. I kind of laugh at how simple I believed things worked. So far nothing has gone according to my plans. It is a little disheartening at times because I thought I would be somewhere else in life right now. Even just starting my career is more complicated than I thought. The married thing is a whole other story. While I was naive enough to believe I had found that person I realize that things can never be that easy, no matter how badly you want it.

So now my plans have changed. Changed so completely. I no longer make any plans relationship wise. I found hoping and wishing things in this part of my life just leaves disappointment and pain. However for the career part I have made short plans; it gets so complicated. Complicated in the fact that I have two career paths I am going to have to choose from. Having to choose between different paths is difficult. I never thought I would have to choose. I never thought that I would want two different career paths so much. So, for now, I am going to stay along the path I am on, I have a year and half till I have to decide what I am going to do. I'm not going to think about it till I have to. I figure I have to focus on other things right now.

Thinking about where I am in my life and where I want to be can be a little upsetting but things could definitely be worse.

The Winter

I love the winter! It is so nice, even though it is freezing. I live in Chicago and a suburb of Chicago (kind of in the country), so it gets pretty cold. The best thing about winter is that it always seems like there is no life out there. This seems to be true the most in the country, you don't here any birds or insects. Its so quite. I also love that everything seems to be dead, I know life is only hiding trying to shield itself from the elements, but its still does appear that way. I love this though. It really has a beauty all its own. While it is nice to see greenery and little animals running around during all the other seasons, I find the absence of it all in the winter makes it feel more peaceful outside. I think my favorite time in winter is after an ice storm, when everything is covered in ice. I love looking around and seeing every thing glistening in the sun. I love driving by fields and any vegetation left protruding through the ground and snow is encased in clear ice. Branches of trees look like crystals. It is really amazing. The country so pretty in the winter.

Now Chicago is a different story. While I still love the winter here there are a lot more things going on. The city never has that quite serene feeling. It never feels like everything is dead. There are not many animals that hide, well except for the rats, and you don't really want to know where they are hiding. Its so busy, with so many people. I love that there is so many different types of people too. It's so great to see that people that live in Chicago are not scared easily by the winter weather. I've seen people going for runs when it is below 0 degrees out. Now I am not a runner and I absolutely hate doing it, and even though I think these people are a little nuts, I love them for it.

I'm so glad we still have a few months left of this weather, because even though I love the spring and all the life it brings, I always miss the winter. The first snow, when you don't want to go outside because you don't want to ruin the perfectness with your footprints. I miss looking at the woods with the snow blanketed over the ground and all the trees. I miss sitting on the couch under a big blanket watching television or reading a book drinking hot coco. I miss the cold. However, one thing that the snow brings that I could definitely do with out are the potholes. Now that is one thing I definitely will never miss.

Stranger

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own body? Like the things you say and do are not anything you recognize that you would say, at least not from a you from before. Like maybe you've been taken over by some unseen force that only you noticed the changes, but you didn't notice them until they were so different so drastic and deviated so much from yourself that you did not even see you anymore but by then it was too late. No going back to the person you were before; before this unseen force came and took over. And is there no going back? Or can you some how go back to that person you used to be? Can you take yourself back from this unseen force and become the person you once were, or is that person lost forever?

Does this force take you over slowly so you don't even notice the changes? You don't even notice you loosing control, you can't see yourself slipping way. Or does it drag you kicking and screaming not wanting to let go of yourself? You can see yourself changing and you can't do anything about it, it drags you down like a ten foot wave beating you over and over again into submission, till there is no fight left.

Can you stop this force? Can you fight it away and keep you intact? Is there away to not loose yourself to this force that is so powerful, it can bring you to your knees in tears. It can knock the breath right out of your lunges and you don't even see it coming. It can sneak up on you when you least expect it, driving in the car, listening to music, watching tv, eating at a restaurant causing you pain you did not think you could feel. How do you fight something so powerful and stealthy?

And after it's done, after this force has gotten in and taken over, do you look in the mirror and see this stranger? Not the face that stares back at you but the thoughts you think, the emotions you have, the words you speak, the actions you do. You see the recognizable face looking at you in the mirror, the eyes that stare back, the lips the move the same way, but you still don't recognize this person in the mirror. This...this stranger.